Categories
Money

a round-up of thrift, april 2024.

I was really discouraged in April. I am still discouraged in May. And today I looked at June, and I’m even more discouraged now. Is there really any need for me to be writing these posts, where it seems like anything I do simply does not work?

But I guess, forced by circumstance or actual healthy reasoning, some of my choices are changing. Even today I came to the office, and my first impulse was to go get a take-out coffee. Doesn’t matter that I have 7 euro left to my name (yes, 10 days into the month, one week after salary).

But I didn’t do it. I didn’t get that coffee.

Though obviously one coffee is not going to save me from financial ruin.

So what else did I do?

If you’re new to these posts, please read the first couple paragraphs of the month of February. If you’re of the lazy kind, then at least know this: I know how to save money. I don’t need advice. If I implemented every single money saving tip I know, I’d be one rich motherfucker by now. Unfortunately I am not exactly right in the head, so it is what it is. We’re working on it.

1. I’ve got a whole kitchen set up in the office, I’m telling you. Cooking at home continues to be difficult, and my pancreas doesn’t like to subsist on ramen and crackers (who’d have thought, huh). So I bought a bunch of instant porridges and flakes, a big tub of yoghurt, some pre-washed veg, and garlic salt, and this is my lunches most days. Breakfast is a supermarket muffin that is sometimes accompanied by a cheese sandwich. Supper is eggs or beans on toast. This has allowed me to almost completely avoid the deli counter, obliterate take-out, and minimise bakery visits.

2. I brought water from home. Sometimes people responsible for office water delivery forget to order it on time, and we run out before fresh bottles arrive. I used to buy a bottle in these cases, but this time around I brought a big-ass bottle from home. And I filled it with boiled water.

3. Speaking of water, my father bought a new electric kettle. I don’t really want to get into the whole story – and yes, there is one. But my stove-top kettle is out of business once more. I can’t deny the convenience of an electric one.

4. Last month I was thinking that I would run out of detergent pods, but I still have three left. I’m still not buying detergent, because after the pods are gone, I’ve got two samples, and after that is gone, I’ve got laundry sheets, and after laundry sheets are gone, I’ve got washing soda, and after washing soda I’ve got soap nuts. So I won’t be too surprised if next time I need to buy laundry soap comes around in 2025.

5. I rounded up all my instant noodles on one shelf, and although I don’t have an exact number, it looks like there’s at least 20 packs. As we’ve established above, I can’t have them daily, so ramen became a delicacy that I enjoy on Saturdays. It sounds ridiculous I’d wager, but I LOVE cup noodles/ instant ramen/ ramyun/ etc. It’s a thing I look forward to, and it gives me a decent dopamine boost, thus distracting me from desire to spend money. I’m thinking of pushing ramen to Sundays and bringing back cereal Saturdays. I used to eat cereal and watch Elementary on Saturdays, and it was a nice ritual.

Anyway, since there are at least 20 packs, I’m set for a couple of months without additional expense.

6. I spent 0 on fixing my car situation (and I hope I did not just jinx it). I charged the battery from my father’s car, put air in my tyres using my compressor, and was good to go. The only thing I paid for was car wash, but I went to an automatic one and spent 5 euro, instead of going the usual route of human labour and detailing and paying at least two times more.

7. I, er- OK, this sounds asinine, but I tipped less. Technically the only thing I had to tip for in April was over-the-counter coffee and a baked good – and the baked good I pick and pack myself. I also had to pay for grocery delivery once I think, because I was sick and at home – or was that in March… I don’t remember, but that I tipped well as I usually do, because these bags were heavy as fuck, and I live up some flights of stairs in a building without a lift. Coffee in a bakery, though, is a different matter. All I did was leave 1 or 2 instead of 5 or 10 as I would otherwise, because hey. Coffee costs 35. Baked things like I said I pick and pack myself. So all I did was tip proportionally instead of greatly over-tipping like I usually do.

I should extrapolate, I think, and mention that the ladies pouring my coffee are salaried workers. They have a fixed salary, and also a percentage of the entire amount they sell on that day. So they are not reliant on tips alone for their income.

But the narcissist in me will gladly return to overtipping the moment she can. She just can’t right now.

8. I used the things I had at home for my journalling. I wanted a tag system for my book journal so I could easier find certain things, and I thought of buying stickers, because I’ve seen people do the sticker system, and it looks very nice. But I went with what I have and used markers instead. I also used colour pencils for my tracker instead of buying colourful pens like I originally wanted.

9. My food waste, although present, was much lower this month. The amount I will be satisfied with is zero, though.

10. I used weaker medication for very minor headaches. As someone who lives with migraines, my first impulse is to always take a stronger pill so that a small headache has no chance of turning into a full blown migraine episode. But thankfully – well… – after years of coexisting with headaches I am quite proficient in differentiating headache types and knowing which one will turn into a migraine if not treated with stronger medication, and which one will just annoy me a bit longer but won’t render me useless for a day or two. It is not a practice I recommend. Take your meds, and don’t skimp on them. But I do what I have to do for now, and it did save me an estimated 10 to 20 euro.

11. Speaking of meds, I stopped taking supplements for insomnia – because I ran out of them and I had no money to replenish, and I hope I did not just jinx myself, but so far, so good. I still take all my main meds, though, but as it often is, main meds are cheaper than fancy supplements. When summer is in full swing I might have to go back to them, but for now I’m saving another 20-30 euro.

12. I’m drinking tea I swore I’d never drink again. And- I like it. They must have changed the leaves, because I promise it used to taste like paper. Now it tastes like a honey infusion. Anyway, so I had an unopened box at home for reasons I cannot begin to tell you, because I honestly have no idea. But I ran out of Lipton – which I, too, swore I would never drink again… – and I couldn’t find any other black tea but this box. So I was like, fuck it, I want tea, let’s try it. And I did. And I liked it. So next time I run out of tea, I’ll buy a 100 pack of this stuff.

Maybe it tastes different because the box says ‘high grown’ instead of ‘ceylon’. I am not sure how much truth is there in their marketing tricks, but it does taste different.

13. I stopped myself from ordering take-out dessert by making chocolate mug cake at home. There was nothing sweet at home, and I was very, very close to getting a cake delivered, but I fixed myself a microwave mug cake, and it was enough.

14. I bought the cheapest ice cream. Still tasty.

15. I ran out of but didn’t immediately buy a new jar of instant coffee. I’m not a big instant coffee drinker these days, but I do keep low-caffeine instant on hand for dalgonas and stuff (because those two heaping tablespoons of non-decaf will send me running for the hills). Well, I ran out, and I haven’t bought a new one. No more dalgonas for me. Whenever I want a late-night coffee, I just make one in a moka pot using my decaf Lavazza.

16. I don’t drink my morning coffee at home. Rather, I wait until I get to work and have it at the office for free. (Well, I still buy my own milk, as I am not a fan of powdered creamer.) Pretty sure this also helps keep my cortisol a little lower, as it takes me about an hour to make it to work after waking up, which means I don’t drink coffee first thing, as I’ve been doing since… age 10, I think.

17. And I suppose the biggest thing I did in April that will affect all the upcoming months is I negotiated a raise. Even with said raise I’m discouraged for June already – but how much more discouraged would I be without it? So of course I’m happy I will be getting more money each month. I just really need to continue reducing expenses as well.

Categories
Dear Diary

thinking about a new journal layout

Let me get this out of my system:

I hate the way I edited photos for this post, but it’s been 🤌🏻a day🤌🏻 and I can no longer be arsed.

Moving on.

I’m playing with the idea of going back to one big book of everything instead of separate thematic, because the separate ones always get out of hand. I start with a media journal/ commonplace, then I decide I want a separate cp because where do I put quotes and thoughts unrelated to books and movies, then I start a friggin food diary, then I decide that I want a languages journal, a side jobs journal, a makeup journal, fashion, food, and I also have morning pages/ dream journal and a planner, and my junk book and ahdh uhhBBB chdjebdh *explodes*

*takes a deep breath*

So I think I’m going to go back to my original “system” of about three – it’s never one anyway – and a sketchbook.

In my junk book I played with planner/ bujo part of what it might look like when I end up merging it all in one place. The spreads are reversed, but so far I have:

1st spread (second photo) is a monthly calendar and tracker of things like sleep and moods. Once I merge the media back into this (after I finish my current reading and watching notebook) I will have columns for watched and read under the tracker (where I currently have senseless text). The tracker will also have a different colour for each thing I’m tracking.

2nd spread (top photo) is a weekly grid of very short daily overview so that the days don’t run away from me, a weekly habit tracker of things I’m cultivating/ need reminders on, and after that a running task list for the week, with dates marked if necessary, maybe highlighted in a different colour if for job.

After that it’s just regular catch-all pages of my usual journalling, commonplacing, quoting, idea lists, etc. I am thinking of also just using it as a junk book as well. But a junk book for me is something I always carry with me. Up to this day – Lord is merciful – I have never lost one, but it’s always out in the open on my desk at work, for example. And I’ve been getting a biiiiit personal in my regular entries lately, and people are strange, you know. So maybe junk will remain separate as always, but then I would have to potentially put calendar and running weekly there, so I never lose sight of my to-do list.

Tarot journal, at least of spreads for others, will also stay separate.

Morning pages will also stay separate, because it’s a very specific type of journalling.

Make-up book has the potential of being merged, but it will be a while, because the notebook I have for it currently is thick. Thicc.

Recipe/ cooking will stay separate.

I am unsure what to do with side jobs, because technically it’s an income registry. I might just merge that one with my spending journal, which is basically a ledger, and will stay separate from all others forever.

I’m running out of time to write – need to drive home – but for now I have:

Definitely separate:

  • Tarot for others;
  • morning/ dream;
  • spellwork;
  • recipe/ cooking;
  • ledger;
  • sketchbook.

And that’s already six, which strongly speaks in favour of keeping junk as part of regular. Another thing that might work is make sure I keep the junk books very thin (12-24 pages) or very small (A6 and smaller), which will make me rotate through them at the speed of one per week lol. I am not yet sure why I think that would work better than a thicker notebook. I will ask my brain later.

Might even journal about it.

And I will also need to pick a tagging system for the Big Book of Everything and stick to it. Which seems impossible right now.

Categories
Money

a round-up of thrift, march 2024.

It is yet again time for me to amuse you, my friends. Last time I amused you in February. Ever since then it did not get much better. But we tryin’. If you want to know what this is about and why it’s hilarious for both me and the masses, read the first couple paragraphs of the February post.

As always, I encourage comments, but please don’t tell me how to save money: Chances are high I know more than you. I just don’t do any of it for reasons you can find in February post.

So. On to the unbelievable thrift I have voluntarily endured in March.

I mostly rode Economy class cabs, but I do admit not taking the trolley to work many times over. There were two-three times I stayed at work long enough to take the first trolleybus home. I ain’t gonna pretend it evened out, though.

No takeout. Not once. I did peruse the supermarket deli, though, but considerably less. Same goes for the bakery for my usual coffee and things. I went less times. I think overall I went under 10 times.

Kept a good track of spending up until… 18th or so.

On the last day of the month I broke my electric kettle – and I won’t be replacing it. I might repair it in May – if it is repairable – but for now I’ll be using gas. If you’re wondering what’s broken – I dropped it on the floor. Thank God it was cold and empty. I dropped it, and I guess it hit somewhere near the switch, because the switch is all loose and not how a switch should be.

Shopped around for my cats’ food. I am not going to switch them to a different cheaper diet, but I did look where I can get the same stuff they usually eat for less. The search will continue in April, because so far I was only able to save $0.5 per kilo.

I did not buy laundry detergent. Because I have one at home. Let me explain: I prefer the gel pods. Majority of the powdered stuff makes me itchy. Home-made concoction is not it. Also, since most of the loads I do are short and cold to save on electricity, powdered detergent and even home-made mix of baking soda etc. do not get washed out properly. I have to inspect every wash to make sure that it’s not visible, and then I have to rewash clothes, thus doing extra cycles and spending more electricity anyway – and it makes me itchy. I’m sure the efficiency of washes has something to do with the age of my machine, but we’re not going to complain about its age here. We’re happy it’s still working.

Anyway, so I prefer pods. But, I have some laundry sheets, some gel samples, and also some soap nuts in my arsenal. So once I’m out of pods – and I’m still not out, but I will be soon – I will just use what I have first.

I did not buy any new books. Audiobooks, e-books, paper books – nothing. I even talked myself out of using a gift card that I have, because it’s hard to match the amount exactly, and I can’t underspend, because the remainder will expire the moment I use the card, and I don’t want to overspend, because I will be inclined to over-overspend.

I paid a little bit more on one of the loans I currently have out. It all went towards the body of the loan, thus lessening the amount I need to pay monthly. Not all loans I have allow me to do that. Two of them only allow full amount to be paid towards the body, and anything extra just goes towards next monthly payment. Three loans allow that, but there’s a limit to how small the sum can be. And what they’re asking for, I don’t have that much extra. There are five loans however that allow small payments to be done towards the body of the loan. These are the first ones I’m trying to tackle.

I used the ground coffee I have instead of automatically replacing capsules. I do admit that once salary hit, I went and bought some (they were having a half-off sale if that is some excuse). I also tried using my reusable capsules, but the type I have doesn’t work well with either of my machines, it seems. Dolce Gusto is doing a little better, but there’s still some leakage. Nespresso is a fail two times out of three. Which in my book translates to ‘waste of good coffee’, so I use my moka or cezve. The French press I have is massive, so I don’t use it most of the time, but I’m thinking I might use it to try make a cold brew once we hit the higher temps.

I heavily relied on free medical services, bestowed unto me so generously by the joint forces of my employer and the government. Everything is very slow – very slow. Were I in a private clinic, I would have had my surgery already and were deeply into recovery by now. And I think I mentioned last time that I did have to pay for some things to speed it up – I can’t wait over 6 months. But everything else I have tried and so far succeeded to do for free. Lord does the dragging out of it all give me anxiety, but I shall count my blessings.

More on a miserly note – I decided not to buy anyone anything for IWD this year. Usually I try to give at least a small token of appreciation, be it a chapstick or a candy bar or a flower. But this year I had to stop myself.

More of the same, really – didn’t buy myself or my friends and colleagues Martisors.

Stopped myself from buying music sheets – I am reacquainting myself with piano, and lawd is it testing my will power. But I recognise that my level, if it can be called that, is so low, that what I have in the house or have found for free on the internet is more than enough for now.

By the end of the month I had 500 in cash in my wallet. It would have been an undeniable win – however my bank accounts were wiped clear by loan payments, and these payments weren’t made in full. So we’re back to being in the red with the recurring pays. My goal for April is to be a little less in the red. I know I will not be able to even it out, so I just want to lessen the gap.

Categories
Dear Diary

how to journal.

Recently I shared something non-consequential and non-personal out of my journals with my best friend and my brother (we have a group chat). For the sake of the narrative, I’ll modify the dialogue, but all of it is still true.

Look what I found, I said. Pays to be an anal-retentive journaller of ages.
Woah, my friend said. You’re not a journaller. You’re a fucking chronicler of ages.

And I continued thinking about it on the backburner, and I do believe it is true. I am more of a chronicler than a journaller, ages or not. Even when it comes to writing down my days in a notebook that will, in all likelihood, never be made public, most of the time I look at it through the prism of events happening around me and a certain degree of rationale.

I did that. This happened. The smallest shit annoyed me, here’s ten pages of solid reasoning why (because I’m perfect, and everyone else is not). I thought this. Had a phone talk with B, B was sad. I didn’t think this. My cats are cute. Here’s a train ticket. F called. I don’t think I want to meet them. They don’t feel well, though. I read this. I sympathise with this character. He’s a murderer. More shit happened. O called. Spoke for four hours. Here’s a brief narrative. A croissant sticker. Here’s another ten pages why everyone sucks, but this time I suck too. Act of terror. Thoughts on news reporting. A bus ticket. A tea tag. Ten thousand things inside my mind that I need to dump somewhere to find three minutes of peace. Supermarket receipt. Museum pamphlet. To do list. Habits to work on. Derp cat sticker. Two pages of thoughts on neofascism. Three pages of plans on my impending move to the woods. Five pages of thoughts on why this singer’s music is like a balm to my everything, yet that singer’s music gives me actual physical nausea. Random thought of why I am glad such and such is no longer part of my life.

I am not the one for feelings. I have said so repeatedly and will say so again. I don’t do feelings well unless it’s something physical, so all my acts of love – which I am likely to refer to as ‘keen interest’ – have always been that – acts. There’s the obvious physical act of desire. Then there are the less obvious acts of listening so intently (while looking like I’m on another planet), I end up knowing you better than you know yourself. Which is fine, your secrets are safe with me, as I’m not the one to talk. (You may wanna watch how often I journal though.) Then there’s remembering of the littlest things – not the big ones though, like the names of your family and importaint dates, these take me a long-arse while. I still sometimes pause to think to remember the correct birthdates of my brother and my best friend, arguably the two closest people in my life.

I mean the littlest things, the things that you wouldn’t connect until I told you they’re connected. And I probably never will. The smallest things, like you liking the I dunno, vibe of a summer camp ten thousand moons ago, and me finding out everything about that summer camp to make sure that we catch that vibe in a cafe somewhere. Like you casually saying you hate two colours combined together – I’ll do everything possible to avoid the combination or stir you away from it if it’s in our path. You hate a band – you’ll never hear it. You like the soup – you’ll have it again, but not too often. You don’t like cacti – say less. You’ve been searching for a book with a certain mood – I’ll be searching for it too.

It’s not to say that I go out of my way to please somebody. I don’t love bomb, and I don’t keep a roster of ‘all the things I’ve ever done for _____’. If I remember them, it’s because I’m like a fucking elephant with the vast majority of things that pass through me (except dates and names), plus I keep a record, as we have stated above. It’s just the way I’m… built? A flaw in the design. It doesn’t matter if you’re a friend, a lover, or even a coworker I find pleasing – I keep shit in mind, and I make sure to deliver you your sticky notes once every two months because you will forget, and I will not offer you anything sugary once you mention you’re on a diet.

I am aware of what and who you follow on instagram. I have a map of your interests in my brain regardless of the strength of our connection, and if we’re not close enough for me to barge in with a suggestion, but I still want to give it to you, I’ll manipulate a conversation or a situation to go a certain way so I can do it. Because I know it will be helpful. And you will find it a better alternative. But I am not a blunt force.

Also, I am aware how this design flaw of mine can take on an intrinsically sinister tone. Which is why when I have a fall-out with somebody, especially if it really was their fault, I try my damnedest hard to pretend they don’t exist.

Because I remember every single thing you dislike or find painful as well.

There’s a person in my life who always finds pink marshmallows and mint candy on their desk. And I make sure to always speak to them in the language they dislike most.

Like I said. Design flaw.

But back to the feelings. I don’t really talk about them or write about them. For a while – and sometimes still – I just believed that I don’t have them. Maybe they’re there, but it’s really hard to dig them out. “Oh you just habitually repress them” – no, I don’t. I do not. There’s- It’s all in the head, you know. I understand feelings. I can express them when expected. I just don’t get them.

I think this shit is called masking. Masking of what, though, I don’t know, because even by a generous margin of error I don’t pass the assessment for autism. Psychopathy is a little bit closer, but still doesn’t cut it. It’s true that I have a weak moral compass, though. It’s all very grey from where I stand.

What I’m about to say is obvious as fuck, but we process things through ourselves. Some of us quicker with better – no, easier – discernment, others slower. Me, I’ve always mucked around in piles of shit trying to find reason behind literally everything. It’s good that I’m moderately quick-witted, otherwise I’d be fucking paralysed most of the time by the perplexity of the degree of, I dunno, rudeness. And again, it’s not that I am offended or frightened or saddened by rudeness, and even though I’m a damned narcissist, it’s not a ‘why me?!’ narrative unless you’ve really tried to make it about me yourself – I just need a valid reason why. And there’s never a valid reason why, is there?

But I am not obsessed with logic. I’ve always enjoyed bouts of completely illogical shit. Something doesn’t have to make sense for me to enjoy it. The absurd is fun. Chaos is fun. Order is fun, too, but it’s a different type of fun.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I started therapy recently because my psychiatrist recommended me I do. I suppose the therapist saw too that I need it, because at first she was hesitant to see me, because she didn’t know if she’d have a window, but after first session she put me on her schedule. I am not against therapy. It helps many people. It saves lives. I suppose my main problem with therapy is that I’m not really a talker. I’ve aways found it easier and faster to type things. Also talking feels like complaining ever more so than writing things down. And I also don’t know what to say. I know I’m not expected to say anything in particular. That doesn’t help. And I also jump from subject to subject, because I’ve got all the tabs open, all the time. Three of them are playing music, two more a podcast, one a video with autoplay switched on, a couple are frozen, and others have a limitless “open()” going. What other metaphor can I use to make sure we all understand how loud it is in my head? It’s not a narrative of brilliance, mind you, there’s some quacking sounds, and a farting joke in there deafening everything else more often than not.

Anyway I told my therapist that I keep a journal, and that I’ve always written things down, but I don’t think we’re on the same page as to what journalling means to me and to her. All my notebooks are essentially junk books. I never cared to keep them pretty. Sometimes – okay, most of the time – I have attempts at chronology, and if there’s anything particularly important that happened, I might write a page number or a date on the last page as a really lame ‘index’, but that’s it. When I have access to a printer, the amount of photos might increase. Do I reread my journals? Not purposefully. Do I keep them? Obsessively. Are they of any use to anybody? Hardly. Do I talk about my feelings? Maybe of annoyance and lust and boredom. Do I find them therapeutic? Only in the sense of closing a couple of open tabs.

Plus it’s important to remember that ever since I had access to a computer – and the internet, gods the internet – I’ve also kept a file or an online log/ journal. Last time I tried to summarise all the pages into one file was in … 2009? At that point the file was somewhat under 1500 pages long. Default line spacing, font size 12 I believe. No double spacing between paragraphs, no page breaks. Obviously some of what I’ve written was lost in hard drive crashes and favourite journalling services going down. And that’s just journalling, my attempts at novel writing and poetry (ugh) and short stories aren’t part of 1500 pages.

I remember telling my mother the amount, and she was both impressed and horrified.

I used to have a small site dedicated to my journals with some scans and pictures of my books – which is how I found that image that I sent to my brother and my best friend, by looking through an offline archive of that site – anyway, yes, I had a site because I somehow found myself part of an online community of journallers, and keeping an online journal of your offline journals was a thing. I remember my best friend at that time trolled me about it, and well I can’t really disagree with the trolling. Keeping sites (Instagrams, Twitters, Youtubes, whatever) for journals still is a thing, and I’m still vaguely part of that community. It’s enjoyable, what can I say. A completely different way of navel-gazing, which is somehow therapeutic from the mouths of most women and marginalized, and increasingly annoying and preachy from the mouths of the middle class and up basic bros who discovered The Daily Stoic Journal (which, by the way, is not all that bad). Anyway, the site was called ‘Patient History’, because I was in my late teens or early twenties, and I thought I was clever. Though somehow I still like the word play in this one – because what’s more patient than a notebook?

I no longer remember where I was going with any of this, but if you’re still here, impressive! We’re pushing 2000 words. If you’re that far gone, may I persuade you into keeping a journal of your own? I know so many people want to start journalling, but they don’t, because they think it should be some kind of a big monumental thing, but it’s not. Sometimes it’s just a page with ‘god this shit sucks’ written on it in the fanciest of fonts with a brush pen marker. Other times it’s a purrito sticker with mentions of an act of terror around it. Then there’s a todo list with a candy wrapper.

Give it a try.

Categories
Money

a round-up of thrift, february 2024.

Verily I say unto you, I think these posts are going to suck. As I’ve mentioned again and again, I’ve not been good with money lately, and all my thrift and frugality usually comes after all my money is gone. If I have money, I’ll spend it. But that’s exactly why I don’t have any left come mid-month – and my salary comes in monthly. Then comes the amount that I make as a landlord. It’s a small amount for the property even for where I live. It’s gone quickly too.

All that to say is, more often than not my financial situation around 20th and beyond is ‘I’ve got food at home, so that’s good’.

But I don’t have money for a cab home. Which sounds fancy, but seeing as I’m a night shift worker, it’s a necessity. There’s no public transport circulating when I get off work, and it’s not safe to walk one hour in the dark. Rental scooters exist, but they’re about as safe as walking, and about as expensive as a cab.

And I’ve been an idiot (newsflash). My car was stagnant all winter because I couldn’t drive in the snow with summer tyres (the entire tyre – I’m a poet and I didn’t know it – the tyre shabang is a story for another day) – so yes, my car’s been stationery, so when I went to start it earlier this week, of course it didn’t start. I hope it’s just the battery.

Anyway, back on track – these posts are going to suck. Which is exactly why I need ’em. If you’re frugal, these roundups are going to horrify you. I feel you. I’ve been frugal, you know. But a combination of mental illness and stupidity (mostly the former, really) got me where I am today. Neck-deep in debt, still making one bad choice after the other. It’s a little better than it was three months ago, where I couldn’t keep up with the vast majority of my bills, but I don’t know for how long it’s going to stay that way. I hope I will be lucid enough to make good financial decisions. It won’t turn my life around in a month, but I hope it will help to at least keep the debt at neck level for now. Then maybe we’ll get it to shoulder level. Chest, waist, knees. And, heaven allow, I hope I get it down to my ankles, and then shake that off as well.

But it’s a long way in the making.

For now, these posts are going to suck. They will be therapeutic for me, maybe hilariously horrifying for you.

Also, please! I encourage comments, but I am not looking for advice. I KNOW how to save money, I just don’t DO it for reasons briefly disclosed above.

So this month:

I cancelled my HBO and Crunchyroll subscriptions. (Not a voluntary action, might I add. I need my entertainment to keep the ruckus away.)

I decided against resubscribing to Epidemic Sound. If I continue posting vlogs, I will eventually choose to subscribe, but I will try to do it a year in advance, because the savings are significant.

Switched cab class from comfort to economy whenever it made sense. (Y’all, I know how this sounds, bear with me.) I order my cabs through an app, and since I’m a paid subscriber of Yandex (for $2 a month the benefits are really good), I get a 10% discount on Comfort rides most of the time. Which technically pays for the app in about 2 rides. With 10% discount most of the time the difference between Economy and Comfort is negligible enough to ignore, but I have to keep in mind that in my situation no savings is small enough. So I’ve been switching to Economy and riding Comfort only when no Economy is available or I’m in a rush and need the fastest class (which is comfort most days).

Hey, at least I’m not riding Comfort+.

…. 99% of the time. …

Anyway, moving on.

I drank coffee at work instead of getting my fix at a local bakery. Coffee at work sucks most of the time, because no one bothers to clean the machine. But I’m trying.

I bought breakfast brioches and other baked goods from the supermarket.

If I was really jonesing for the bakery fix, I’d go an hour before closing time to get 30% off. (Not much is left at that time, but eh.)

I kept instant oats and couscous at work for whenever I’d be too overwhelmed to pack my lunch. This and the bakery are probably the biggest savings this month.

Three times I stopped myself from going into the cosmetic shop and buying random shit.

Washed laundry on cold setting when appropriate.

Used the fast wash when appropriate.

Took generic medication instead of branded one. I can’t use this for everything, as some branded meds really do work better than off-brand – my migraine can tell the difference, trust me – but I’ve been in this rodeo long enough to know what works and what doesn’t. That alone, too, is savings, because I don’t end up buying pills that I know won’t work the way they should.

Drank boiled water instead of filtered or bottled. Water is safe here to drink from the tap, but I live in an older building, and these pipes keep me concerned, okay. I can smell the raw water is off. So whenever I can’t afford to replace the filter in my pitcher or have big jugs delivered, I drink boiled water.

Wondered what would be cheaper – boiling water on gas stove or continuing to use my electric kettle. I got overwhelmed by data and variables, but it looks like using gas is cheaper, especially if you use gas to heat your home – and I do. So it might be time to shelf the electric kettle for a while. I’m really trying to bring that electric bill down.

Charged my phone and small electronics at work so I don’t have to charge it at home. That alone will not pay my debt off, but every bit counts.

This one is questionable, and is more on the miserly side than anything else, but hey, I couldn’t afford it. By ‘it’ I mean toilet paper. So I took a few rolls from work. I’m trying to analyse my emotions and thoughts about it, and I find that I don’t feel bad about doing it per se, but I do feel shitty when I think of all the things that led up to a point of me not being able to afford toilet paper on a good motherfucking salary. Then again, when I was initially hired, I was promised quarterly performance-based raises (and my performance is doing work of 2.5 people, ok) and year-end bonuses. As it is, I don’t even get a pizza party every last Friday of the month, two slices per person, thank you very much. So I’ll be getting my performance-based raises in toilet paper, then.

Related: I printed out a textbook at work. No regrets.

Related-related: I did not buy soap and air freshener with my own money for the office. I used to do it, but I no longer will. If we all want to be smelling shit and washing our hands with Fairy, then so be it. I’ll just have to use heavy-duty hand cream.

Chewed one gum instead of my usual two.

At home, I opted for weaker coffee. I usually use two Nespresso capsules per cup. I started using one, and just making my coffee overall smaller, so it’s not terribly watered down.

I’ve been measuring out my peanut butter. Another thing that would not help me buy a house, but maybe it will be better for my waistline.

Bought a discounted veggie burger with sell-by date the next day.

(For full transparency I have to mention that one of the patties did go bad because I had no energy to cook it. The other one was delicious, though. Best veggie burger I’ve had so far.)

Bought tuna in oil instead of brine. I don’t know why, but the oil one is cheaper.

Bought sardines and other fish instead of tuna. Tuna is a favourite of mine and cats, but meh.

Bought the cheapest apples. One did go bad, though.

Opted for the longest and therefore cheapest passport renewal option.

Still I did not make it to the end of the month with money in my pocket. I had to borrow $15 (for cab rides), but my bank wiped out my account for scheduled debt payment before I could get to the ATM to take the money off. Thankfully I had around $3 left in change so I’m using that money for trolley rides home for the remainder of the month. Which means I have to stay at work 3.5 hours after my shift ends. So that’s 12.5 hour work days, because I don’t lounge around. My ethics are shitty overall, but I’m a chronic workaholic, so if I’m at work, I work. And that leaves me exhausted. So I come home and rot. I don’t cook, I don’t clean. I don’t do laundry. It’s currently third or fourth work day in a row where I’m eating those instant oats and couscous I mentioned above, because I can’t find the strength to boil water for some rice and beans or pasta with jar sauce.

I’d like to end this on a cheerful note, but this month has been difficult. I’ve got some medical shit come up, and most of my anxiety is medical related. I had to up my dosage of all the meds that I take, and I had to spend some good money on some imaging out of pocket, because there’s no way in hell I’ll be waiting for 6 months to get it done. I’m glad I was able to find that money, but it did mean more debt. And then I spent more money for a psych consultation, because yeah.

Yeah.

The horrors persist, but so do I. I will try to look at the good things. Like this being the end of the month, so the salary will come in tomorrow.

I just need to ensure that I stick to the plan and don’t go on a spending binge to keep the ruckus away.