Dear Diary

how to pay off debt

I keep thinking about that 1 mln debt that I have, and I wonder how it makes me feel. I guess we can say that all the depression, all the anxiety, all the uselessness and emptiness, it all stems from me having that debt – but it’s never on the forefront of my mind, like it’s been on the forefront of my mother’s.

Mine is there, but I don’t think about it explicitly or even implicitly. It just quietly eats at me, manifesting somatically and psychologically.

I am so used to the idea of having debt, I don’t ever imagine a future in which I don’t have it. But it would be glorious, that future. Even my salary would feel luxurious – as it should, technically, since the average salary here is half of mine. I make twice the amount, and I feel like I’m drowning. Imagine living on a fourth of that. Even when I take out all my monthly debt payments, I still have more than the average left.

I suppose that’s where half of my hatred for the 9 to 5 stems from as well. It’s this constant thought that I’m doing all the work in vain. Like it doesn’t matter even if I will get paid more. I’ll just accrue more debt and will increase my payments.

But certainly it’s not my job that’s at fault for all the debt. Sure, like any 9 to 5 it’s soul-sucking and requiring peculiar methods of reset and relaxation. But I don’t do drugs. I don’t abuse alcohol, I don’t gamble, I barely smoke. I don’t club nearly enough for it to become a financial burden, don’t pay for sex. I don’t buy expensive gear, or clothes, or even makeup. And even things that I buy, I don’t enjoy anymore – apart from books and comics.

Where does it all go? Why do I do it? Jesus, why? What hole, what void am I trying to fill?

I sat down to mind dump how I’m going to decrease that debt, but it just ran away and turned into an emotional gush of self-pity.

But really the answer to debt eradication is simple. You don’t spend on anything apart from necessities. You give yourself an allowance for fun so you don’t go mad. You slowly but surely build savings so you don’t have to get another credit line when something like a washing machine inevitably breaks down. Anything extra you put towards killing debt. Don’t look at what’s the most ‘profitable’ way to do it. There is no profit in this until you pay it all off, and if you think too hard about the differences in interest and principal, you will become paralysed and pay nothing at all.

Just start, just do it. Endure voluntary austerity. Curb your desires. Build will, self-control, stamina. All the things you dream of having anyway.

I just wanted to add a positive note about today being a free day in capitalism, but then I remembered that the automated debit cleared out all my accounts in a try to cover this month’s last credit payment. It didn’t have enough, so it will keep trying daily until it gets what it wants. The salary is supposed to hit this week, so it will get what it wants soon.

Until then, I suppose, my days in capitalism are free.

I have no money left to give.